: PROPELLED BY PASSION :

disenchantedson @ 2007-07-07T21:53:00

2007-07-08T04:52:01Z

Another early-life crisis...

Great.

disenchantedson @ 2006-12-15T23:16:00

2006-12-16T06:16:47Z

Wow, I suck. I haven't made an entry in over two months! I had intended to write something really profound tonight, but it's not happening. I'm thinking I'm gonna pop "Superman Returns" into the DVD player and drift off to sleep.

Brandon Routh rocks my world.

disenchantedson @ 2006-10-03T03:13:00

2006-10-03T10:14:14Z

I'm no good at this.

disenchantedson @ 2006-09-14T23:52:00

2006-09-15T06:53:05Z

Tomorrow is my last full day of work until my vacation starts. I'll go in on Saturday for a half-day and then I'm hitting the road -- off to Seattle!

I'll take lots of pictures.

disenchantedson @ 2006-08-26T17:59:00

2006-08-27T01:00:36Z

disenchantedson @ 2006-08-24T22:57:00

2006-08-25T06:14:59Z

Big ol' bitch.

I can be one.

But it's only because I demand progress (not perfection) and I expect others to follow suit. Be a part of the success or don't.

There will be success.

That's really all there is to it.

disenchantedson @ 2006-07-07T23:43:00

2006-07-08T07:02:46Z

Every few months I like to go back and sift through old entries in my journal from the past few years... I've noticed that I've become negligent in writing. (Only one or two entries per month over the past few months.)

And I wonder why I'm a ticking time bomb.

I've been distracted lately. I'm preoccupied with other endeavors that have resurfaced after years of dormancy (and I'm absolutely thrilled). I had forgotten what it was like to feel like there's a direction when it comes to life. It's like I'm 20 again.

You know what I love about living in Pullman? OXYGEN! (The television channel, that is). We didn't get that channel in Clarkston. I haven't watched TV for more than two minutes at a time since I was a kid, but lately I've been glued to the tube. I'm now an avid Janice Dickinson fan. I think I had grown to discredit TV -- it's actually a source of culture (however misrepresented it just might be).

That's all I have for now. My eyelids are getting heavy.

disenchantedson @ 2006-07-06T00:25:00

2006-07-06T07:49:21Z

The other day Rachel called me and said that an old friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in four years was in town and gave me her phone number.

Tonight I gave her a call and met her out on the deck at Red Lion Hotel, where we worked together years before. We talked about all of the old co-workers and hotel guests... many of which aren't even still alive (the guests, that is).

One coincidental thing is that she's living in Chicago these days, and I was just in Chicago in March! Hopefully I will be back out there again sometime next year for another class and she can show me the city. The couple of hours we had today were not enough to catch up.

She asked about Jimmie and I told her I hadn't seen him in a couple of months, so we called his cell number and invited him down. I didn't expect the number I had for him in my phone to be current after so long, but it was.

It was so weird (but very cool) for the three of us to be sitting there because it was literally over four years since we had all done that. It used to be a weekly thing... every Sunday after our shift we would get together to have lunch and unwind. Susan says she won't be back for a few more years, so I'm really glad that we all got the chance to reunite and talk about "the good ol' days".

I still have lots of pictures and notes that we all wrote to each other back when we were all working at the hotel. Susan and I discussed how that place gave us many memories and will always be our favorite job, even though we always ended the week wanting to find a new one. It was a defining time -- people came and people went, but a few of them left lasting impressions.

disenchantedson @ 2006-06-29T23:08:00

2006-07-06T07:48:03Z

Dear Anya,

You're the second friend to move away in less than two weeks. Am I doing something wrong?

But really... I'm so happy for you. I'm happy that you're taking off and doing things beyond Pullman and McDonald's. I'm happy that you're going to meet new people and make new connections. They're going to love you (but not as much as I do).

I can honestly say that whether or not I'm on the right path in my own life, I'm grateful to have ended up in Pullman. There are many people here with whom I believe I was destined to collide, and you stand out as one of the greatest. You've been the perfect partner in crime.

(You know, I never gave you that Alanis CD. Maybe it's a good thing -- it will ensure that you return at some point.)

Be sure to talk me up to all of your new friends over there. I'll be visiting before too long! (Seattle will be in so much trouble with us on the loose.) Also, figure out some good places to play tennis and get some decent Thai food. We have so much unfinished business! At least we finally got to go get ice cream at Ferdinand's.

Well, my beautiful, kind, and generous friend, take care of yourself and let me know all about everything over there. Vanya and I will miss you.

All my love,
Billy

"you've already won me over in spite of me
and don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet
and don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are
i couldn't help it
it's all your fault."

disenchantedson @ 2006-06-24T23:05:00

2006-06-25T06:29:49Z

Tonight I reread a card I received from my friend Ashley for about the 20th time.

It's funny because she left at the beginning of the week for boot camp in San Antonio, TX and I didn't get to say goodbye. (That's not the funny part.) What was funny was going to check my mail a few days later and finding a card from her that she had mailed before she left.

I've never thought of myself as being someone who impacts people. I know firsthand that life is all about the impressions that people make on us, but I've never really given much thought to what we impress upon others. I guess I never really thought that anything I've done/am doing is meaning much to anyone else. How rewarding it is to know that you've touched someone.

One of the first memories of her was when she called my cell phone a few years back in the middle of the night... "Bill! I need to talk to you! Can you please come talk to me?" I did. I went to her house at 2:00 in the morning and we sat on her doorstep and talked about what was on her mind.

Then we fast forward to now... picture it: The two of us walking down the streets of Moscow in our sunglasses like we're the new Paris and Nicole. Wow, there have been some changes since then (in both of us).

"Friendships don't end at the city limits sign.
You really have been amazing.
You listen to all of my problems and always seem to have an answer for me...
...I love you and I will miss you."

I love you and I'll miss you, too, Ashley.

Ms. Mexico and Mr. Domincan (inside joke)

disenchantedson @ 2006-04-24T19:42:00

2006-04-25T02:51:44Z

I refuse to apologize for who I am.

I am happier now than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm far more comfortable with myself... physically, mentally, spiritually. These days I portray and embody the vision of myself that I had years ago.

To those from my past who scrunch up their noses and say, "You've changed." -- hell yes, I have. Now sit down, shut up, and hold on for the ride, because it's not over yet.

disenchantedson @ 2006-04-21T01:48:00

2006-04-21T08:48:41Z

in short seconds you've been everything
my time consumed by butterflies
in quick minutes you've changed my views
my life consumed by realization

i want to get over it or be whisked away
my heart feels like it's sinking to my feet
and these songs aren't helping

in short hours you've become the epicenter
my time consumed by much pondering
in quick days you've become my everlasting smile
my life consumed by dreams

i want to get over it or be whisked away
my heart feels like it's sinking to my feet
and these songs aren't helping

for once i'm not back-turned
for once i'm open-hearted
for once i'm ready
and you're not
and you're not

in one short week you've been my bliss
my time consumed by wondering
in one short lifetime you've affected me
my time consumed by sleepless nights

i want to get over it or be whisked away
my heart feels like it's sinking to my feet
and these songs aren't helping

disenchantedson @ 2006-04-05T17:44:00

2006-04-06T01:20:17Z

What a trip.
I took the Restaurant Operations Leadership Practices Course at Hamburger University (near Chicago) from March 27-31. I learned a lot, met some incredible people, and got a chance to have some fun.

I filled my camera's memory card with pictures throughout the trip. These are some of the highlights:

Hamburger University.

My group. (Back: Aaron, John, me. Front: Ana, Marlene, Monica.)

This is me hanging out at the Ronald McDonald House Charities display at H.U.

There's a working store set up in the basement of H.U. for training purposes -- I worked the front counter! (Did I look this dorky when I really was a crew person?)

We all got to take a bus to downtown Chicago one night. This homeless guy shined our shoes. (Kinda scary.)

I posed with my professors after graduation.

Nope, I'm not drunk at all. Neither is Aaron.

Joseph, me, and Travis. They kick ass.

Ana! She's so awesome! I miss her already.

This is me posing with Sara on her bed. She had to leave the graduation banquet early because her plane left early in the morning. We're gonna party it up the next time I'm in Seattle.

I rocked Hamburger University and all I got was this lousy hangover.

The 50th Anniversary McDonald's. It has a rock 'n' roll theme and it's two stories high.

disenchantedson @ 2006-03-22T23:08:00

2006-03-23T07:13:56Z

"how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you"

I thought I had, but I guess not.

disenchantedson @ 2006-03-20T16:59:00

2006-03-21T01:02:28Z

"the way i see it, he's dancing in heaven,
and he's sitting on a far off coast.
he's set in his ways,
and he's set on wide horizons.
i'll follow him,
he'll open my heart,
just like he opened my mind.
and i won't be ok until he calls me
to let me know that he's okay."

I didn't write this, but I feel like I did.
I've been thinking a lot over the past few days about the best friend I ever had.

disenchantedson @ 2006-02-27T14:59:00

2006-02-27T23:05:28Z

One year, one hour, and a few minutes ago I received word that my friend Josh Phipps passed away in Seattle.

He taught me a lot. Mostly how to love and accept even if it didn't feel like I was getting it in return.

I miss you, you fabulous boy.

"i'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
the course of a lifetime
you'll never forget
i'll show you how to in eight easy steps
i'll show you how leaderships looks
when taught by the best"

disenchantedson @ 2006-02-26T23:14:00

2006-02-27T07:15:11Z

I have a date.

disenchantedson @ 2006-02-21T22:21:00

2006-02-22T06:29:35Z

Tomorrow is the first day of the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival and we are going to be busy as hell at work. Naturally, I've set myself up to be miserable by spending most of today working out -- needless to say, I'm rather sore since I haven't gone to the gym or anything much since I moved to Pullman. Basically, I'm going to be a real peach at 5:00 a.m. when I go in to work tomorrow.

So... about my weekend. It was so much fun! I'm glad I was able to go out on Friday. I was determined to go have fun, even though my friends all bailed at the last minute. I went to The Beach in Moscow since they were having a drag show. I figured that since I went alone that I would be forced to mingle more, which I did. I made a couple new friends and had really nice time. (Jake was sure that everyone knew who I was -- "Look! This is Billy David!") I didn't drink much at all, either, so I'm glad to know I could have a good time without being sloshed like I usually am. I wish that this coming weekend could be like the last one, but I'll be working my ass off. Oh, well.

Denise and I are planning a trip to Spokane for a day so she can get a tattoo. This should happen in the first week of March. I'm glad she has invited me along because I haven't been to Spokane in awhile and it would be nice to do some shopping.

I should probably take a shower and go to bed. Not that I'll be able to sleep, though...

disenchantedson @ 2006-02-14T21:17:00

2006-02-15T05:24:41Z

Today I saw everyone at home in Clarkston, as well as some old co-workers. (Lots of new developments and gossip that I can't really talk about here at this time.) I ran tons of errands, such as getting my car insurance switched to my new address and getting renter's insurance. I then picked up some more pictures from Walgreen's because I'm making a photo album out of some of the pictures I've taken over the past year or so. It's already about half full!

I'm in love with Green Day's record, American Idiot. I want to become a rock star just so I can go up on stage and sing the entire thing straight through. In other music related ramblings, I've also taken a liking (more like an obsession) to the latest Backstreet Boys single, "Just Want You To Know". What is it about perfectly crafted pop music that makes me so giddy?

I really need to clear out some of these empty beer bottles...

Wunderkind

2006-02-04T08:22:41Z

oh perilous place
walk backwards toward you
blink disbelieving eyes chilled to the bone
most visibly brave
no apprehended bloom
first to take this foot to virgin snow

i am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
i am a wunderkind
i live the envelope pushed far enough to believe this
i am a princess on the way to my throne
destined to serve
destined to roam

oh ominous place
spellbound and un-childproofed
my least favorite chill to bear alone

compatriots in place
they’d cringe if I told you
our best back pocket secret: our bond full blown

i am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
i am a wunderkind
i am a pioneer naïve enough to believe this
i am a princess on the way to my throne
destined to seek
destined to know

most beautiful place
reborn and blown off roof
my view: about face weather, great will be done

i am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
i am a wunderkind oh
i am a groundbreaker naïve enough to believe this
i am a princess on the way to my throne

i am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
i am a wunderkind
i am a joan of arc and smart enough to believe this
i am a princess on the way to my throne
destined to reign, destined to roam
destined to reign, destined to roam

-- Alanis Morissette

disenchantedson @ 2006-02-01T02:49:00

2006-02-01T10:50:28Z

I'm 25.

Is that a wrinkle?

disenchantedson @ 2006-01-31T00:56:00

2006-01-31T09:05:47Z

I'm approaching a few things -- my birthday, one month living in Pullman, and the desire to begin a relationship.

Let's tackle each of these things individually:

* My birthday: February 1st. I'll be 25 years old. Holy shit. That's always been the "magic number" for me. I've always considered the "good years" to be done at 25, and true adulthood and aging to begin at that point. I hope to be proven wrong. I want to be one hot 30 year old who doesn't work too hard.

* One month living in Pullman: Not too bad, really. Ultimately, it's like moving to another Clarkston because there's nothing to do except get drunk, but at least there are more people my age who are fun. The apartment is beginning to feel like home, and it's still clean! All of my stuff is here (except for a few Alanis posters that I didn't want to get smooshed by my other stuff in the car), so I'm truly moved in. I've spent the past few nights at the kitchen table with my roommate (drunk), talking about everything. I love her.

* The desire to begin a relationship: Sounds marvelous to me right now, oddly enough. I'm finally actually wanting to be attached. I won't settle for just anyone, though. He must excite and intrigue me -- so not just any horny little man may apply. There must be substance.

It's been a long time since I've written anything, but I see that changing.

Lots of love to those who might be reading. Stay in touch.

disenchantedson @ 2006-01-18T21:56:00

2006-01-19T05:57:51Z

I forgot my camera on drag show night (Friday the 13th), so I'm counting on people who took pictures for me to send the damn things to me. Here are the first two...

I met Amy at the same moment this picture was taken.

Iggie!

2005: Year in review.

2005-12-31T09:14:24Z

I'm going back and rereading the entries in my LiveJournal from the first day of the year, and I'm going to include some of the highlights here.

- I began 2005 at McDonald's in Lewiston, ID with Denise -- we walked out of there after doing inventory at 12:00 a.m. sharp!

- I really didn't keep my New Year's resolution for this year. I think I went to the gym a whopping five times in 2005.

- Amber threw up in my bed in January. God, we drank a lot that night.

- "I think part of growing up is enjoying the processes in life, rather than just the outcomes... "the journey is more important than the destination" or something. I know the quote goes something like that. It's not enough just to read a good book. The real satisfaction comes from reading the book while curled up in your favorite chair with just the right amount of light, and maybe even a blanket. I've come to appreciate those things so much more... such as I have grown to love in the most incredible way a hot cup of tea while sitting on the deck and taking in fresh air and just feeling alive with no obligations for a few uninterrupted minutes. I have myself convinced that there's little time for those things, however, so they are precious indeed when I do get to enjoy them. "Get your ass to bed and quit staying up all night on the computer! Then you wouldn't waste time sleeping in," you say... I hear you." (This was from an entry at the end of January. I remember writing it like it was yesterday.)

- I turned 24 this year, and the fear of the big quarter-century mark set in.

- I picked up a copy of The Prayer Cycle in February and I still listen to it as I go to bed at least a few nights each week.

- I met Henry in February. I need to call him.

- Josh Phipps passed away in February. I can't believe it's been almost a year. Things just haven't been the same since he's been gone -- I miss him when we all go out for a wild night in Moscow, or a quiet (well, not completely quiet) night for coffee at midnight. It's just weird that I can't call him up anymore to extend an invitation. I still have the shirt I was supposed to give back to him just a few days before he died. It still smells like him. I'll never wash it.

- In mid-March I drove to Cheney, WA to meet a myspace friend (Aaron) in person! I know, I'm crazy, huh? But he turned out to be just as smart, cute, and funny as I thought he would be. We went out for his birthday to a bar where we proceeded to drink a lot and dance. I met a few of his friends, who all proved to be just as awesome. I hope to get to go see them all again soon.

- I wrote this entry on March 24th -- it seems to sum up a lot of things:
So many things going through my head that are inspiring, disappointing, enraging, warming... just have to pinpoint them.

...such as Terri Schiavo. I've actually been avoiding the news (as impossible as that really is) just so that I don't have to learn about another failed attempt and lost chance. My heart sinks into my stomach when I think of a woman whose husband has long abandoned her, has another woman and child in his life... and when I think about two parents whose daughter is slipping away and they are powerless because everyone else seems to have more of a say than they do.

...such as being stuck in a rut and feeling like a pawn. No matter how hard I've tried, I've yet to see the good side of putting myself in the place of being controlled by someone else. After stepping back and doing some evaluation, it seems like we're always going to be someone's employee... there's always going to be someone telling us what to do, and that doesn't sit well with me. More than anything, though, the lack of mobility that I've been experiencing over the past few years has been discouraging.

...such as figuring out why I'm always alone. There are few people I trust when it comes to helping me dissect myself. No judgment, no hard feelings, no bias. Not that I'm discontent with being single, but the hidden sources of my tentativeness and less than desirable self-centered qualities are eager to be revealed by some means... I can feel it. I don't want to change who I am. I just want to really know who/what I am so that I can learn to live with it in a healthy way.

...such as how it's been almost a month since Josh passed away and I'm finally becoming able to listen to "Eight Easy Steps" without thinking about him. In no way am I saying that I wish to forget him. In fact, I'm glad there are things and people that remind me of him. I just want to move past the mourning so that I can be happier. He's not the first friend of mine to die in less than a year. I think I deserve a break.

...such as looking in the mirror and not wanting to throw a rock at the person looking back. I realized yesterday (and I hope that this is a permanent revelation) that most people don't give a shit if my hair isn't in perfect position... that my eyes are less than striking because I was up using the computer all night... that my white pinstriped work shirt makes me look 20 pounds heavier... that my oh-so-white skin isn't exactly glowing... Thank God. (big sigh)

- I dated someone for four days in April. That just might be some sort of record.

- May 20th was the 10-year anniversary of the first day of my very first job at the age of 14. (Also my sister's birthday.)

- May 28th was the two-year anniversary of the end of an 18-month relationship.

- Alanis Morissette released the acoustic version of Jagged Little Pill on June 13th, exactly 10 years to the day after the original recording was released.

- I left for Kirkland, WA in mid-June for a McDonald's management course. It was a great week! I met so many really cool people, and I wish I were able to keep in touch with them. Alas, I have lost both copies of the email address list that I had.

- June also marked one year since Brent took his life. I miss him terribly. I had the pleasure of knowing him professionally and personally, and he was one of the most remarkable people I have ever met. I'm sure I'll meet few other people in my lifetime with his enthusiasm and dedication.

- July 4th marked the beginning of a two-month span of daily phone calls to and from "The Ellensburg Guy". Talk about a crush! We're not keeping in contact much these days, but it seems as though he's keeping my jacket. (HINT HINT, if you're reading this!!)

- I saw Alanis in concert for the fourth time on July 8th. The show was in Portland, OR, and it was amazing! The best show yet!

- August 26th was the day I met Terry in person. Prior to that day we kept in contact through myspace and the phone.

- I took a vacation from work in September! Mostly I just relaxed, but a couple days were spent in Ellensburg.

- In September I finally got over the greatest heartbreak of my life (which took a year and a half). Until then, tears would well up at the thought of the past, and how I just couldn't believe that this seemingly perfect relationship was over.

- October 14th would have been my seven-year anniversary at Red Lion Hotel if I were still working there.

- The end of October was when the news broke that Denise and I would be transferring to Pullman, WA to work. It was exciting and disheartening at the same time -- so many great people to leave behind, but so many great people to get to know!

- October 31st was my last day at McDonald's in Lewiston, ID.

- November 2nd was my first day at McDonald's in Pullman, WA.

- I spent my days off during most of November and December looking for somewhere to live in Pullman, but usually I just ended up eating with Iggie! I finally found a place, though!

- In December made a DVD slideshow for my grandma for Christmas. It had about 130 pictures from her past set to four songs: "Earth Angel" by The Penguins, "That's The Way Love Goes" by Merle Haggard, "Time In A Bottle" by Jim Croce, and "Remember When" by Alan Jackson.

- I made many new friends this year. Britne, Lauren, KC, Krystle, Hannah, Anya (my girls -- I love them) just to name a few. Oh, and who could forget Collan?! (Inside joke.) Thanks to each of you who have been so sweet and receptive.

- I ended 2005 sitting in front of the TV watching the ball drop during Carson Daly's special. (He's so hot, even with that crazy headset he was wearing.) Thankfully, I made it home before midnight, even with the drive from Pullman!

I'm sad to see 2005 go -- it's a good number! I have a feeling, though, that 2006 has even more in store for me. I'm already anticipating the transition of moving from Clarkston to Pullman in the next day or two. I can't wait to be up there!

Here's to newness, to self, and to you.

disenchantedson @ 2005-12-26T00:19:00

2005-12-26T08:19:53Z

So today was Christmas... and my grandma (and everyone) got to see the slideshow that I put together for her on DVD. After viewing it tonight in its completed state (after not staring at it for hours while compiling it), it made me realize what a great man my grandpa was. It also made me wonder about myself -- how many meaningful relationships have I built so far?

I don't want to look back on a slideshow of my youth and realize that I mis-spent my life.